i really don’t want to see my own face right now

i am such a dislikable, useless person on so many levels i’ve disgusted most who encounter me which is why i am a solitary person beyond my job and a smattering of friends from a distance–it really was easier when i was fat….a 36 year relationship abruptly ending with a part of me or an aspect of me and now i’m about to become something else–i actually am 185.8 right now….that’s after i ate my meal and my meds……the 20 pounds will be off by May for sure, and so by July I should be down to 145, and I have to decide if I go all the way to 120-130 or not….depends….i want to do something right…..and i’ve never been a 2 before…..depends on what my blood numbers are–technically, i am still borderline overweight, but in range of normal weight 139-178…….at normal weight i should see a normalization of my bp, and right now i am normal blood sugar, normal kidney numbers, normal oxygen numbers, normal cholesterol……but i want that shit without taking meds……so i gotta lose more weight–not hard to do that when you live on one meal per day–i can see why people hate me