random 2

so had a seizure last night/early morning while sleeping….woke up very exhausted and sore still in pain did the depc meeting anyway just to keep us on track to meet the CAO’s demands — and the president’s demands–look i am not fooled with that good cop/bad cop routine and since this process is now full-on punitive, dictatorial, and male-centered i am not about to give these powerful men more excuses to take even more of our shared governance and academic freedom away….that’s right even while i am in physical and emotional pain i have my priorities straight on what and who is making moves that affect my work and ability to do my life work as in there is work for pay then there is life work which is where i am right now and yes all this while battling body dysmorphic disorder related to my weight and my gender triggered by bullying, molestation, rape, physical abuse, and emotional abuse…..it’s why i spent 36 years hiding my gender and my body behind fat as an emotional crutch and only when my health demanded the weight loss did my body and the unconscious part of my brain took control and dropped the weight….part of me did not notice at all….then something triggered me to awaken…..or someone……or more accurately put me in yet another sleep phase — for his purposes, only to do something that triggered me to awaken from both….this took 5 years to blossom…..can you believe it–love itself is painful when your soul feels like it has been flayed alive….that’s why consent and boundaries are so important…..this is what i need to write about and yes write about my sexuality and my womanhood and blackness and my love for someone who may be greatly confused about me and not understanding how i’ve walked this planet for 36 years believing myself to be fat ugly stupid useless and in doing so trained myself to be a literary feminist soldier witch priestess whore anything to not be trapped or raped again while managing this strange gift of being an empath and at times some other things….imagine how this gift might feel to me right now given what i just described to you and yes it does make me feel on fire…especially since i’m a size 8-10…..i shiver alot now……and yes my libido is on fire…..