no tongue inside my quim, please…..

.……but I like giving oral sex.

Why not receive it?

[yes, there is a point to me beginning with my vagina and clit.]

The man who raped me at 18 performed it on me without consent before ramming himself in me–two sessions of vaginal sex with no consent after going down on me, allowing him to ejaculate inside me twice without a condom. He was a football player who hunted me down and got what he wanted. I was an introverted Mid-western girl still wearing my thick glasses weighing about 145, very much overwhelmed by being in Atlanta in a somewhat alienating environment.

Receiving oral sex makes me feel captured, vulnerable, in ways giving oral sex does not. In short, I feel safer giving than receiving as a submissive. This will be important for me to consider as I start dating again–men or women.

And now that I am no longer a large-and-in-charge-big-and-beautiful-woman — and much closer to my weight at 18 when I was raped, I feel somewhat vulnerable around men in general. Makes me glad to work from home, shop from home, and avoid large crowds, avoid men in general. But it really underlines the prominence and significance of misogyny and sexism in our community.

Now that I’ve gotten myself together physically and emotionally, it’s important to articulate both my needs and boundaries when it comes to my sexual preferences. Looking forward to meeting new people and enjoying my refreshed body and mind this spring and summer. Looking forward to real relationships both casual and serious as a single bisexual leather polyamorous woman with men and women who are real and who like women with voices.

It’s fascinating how one discovers a bright world filled with new possibilities after emerging from five-six years of gaslighting by some con artist incapable of emotional or physical relationships who still thinks that he can draw me back into some sort of personality cult that feeds him without him actually giving to women emotionally or physically. Watching how that worked for him this morning in a meeting reiterated the wisdom of my decision to distance myself from him.

In short, someone like him expects women to open doors for him, feed his ego, and cater to his so-called dominance, which means he expects female submission without boundaries of consent and he expects women to center our focus on serving his ego. That is someone whose understanding of consent and boundaries I would question–heavily. It’s hard for me to say that because I actually do love him. But his inability to engage in honest, meaningful conversation about such basics is an alarm for me.

And no, I’m not afraid of Mr. Stalker-Predator. He’s not a danger to me, just an annoyance. He’s not motivated to aggressively prey on me–too passive-aggressive. Guys like that don’t chase–they wait for opportune moments to feed on prey already wounded and vulnerable, not likely to speak.

On the other hand, I’ve effectively closed that path by writing about him. Now he’s just a little bitch jacking off to my photos. If he wants me he has to follow my rules and standards, or he will have to move on. Period. And he will not touch me or approach me directly because it’s a) too risky for him to possibly be rejected and b) it goes against his own belief that men rule over women and therefore set the boundaries. He’s checkmated himself, effectively. That frees me to get on with the thrill of being single and available to someone who’s actually interested in a healthy, consensual relationship or encounter.

Trust me when I say stalker-predator won’t bother because it takes too much effort mentally for him to behave like a mature adult male towards women he wants to fuck. He will walk away, which is what I expect after a few months of me talking openly about his dumb-ass misogynistic moves on me. He will choose to fade into the shadows to protect himself–he’s smart enough to not risk losing his social hierarchy privileges over pussy.

Thus, I checkmated his ass by saying yes and meaning it because 1) I KNOW he has zero game or courage to actually pull up and fuck me and 2) saying to him to prove he loves me by pulling up and fucking me–or at least saying it out his fucking mouth instead of using fake dating profiles or sending vague texts. He hates the idea of women having the power to say yes or no. I told him no to that fake bullshit profile and more online bullshit–and he’s lucky I haven’t flooded that email address with porn ads just out of amusement. He checkmated himself by being himself and not calling my bluff. He is, thus, impotent, when it comes to me. I can actually interact with him in the real world knowing he has been silenced and rendered incapable of asserting his sexual interests in me. He’s not a physical danger to me — that’s not what men like him do. He prefers manipulation and gas-lighting and intimidation, and that’s been checked and eliminated from the game-board.

Men like him feed on women online through photos or sex chat while pretending to be respectable. They are usually impotent and incapable of healthy sexual relationships or encounters with consenting adults. He’s not getting any of that from me, so that means he’s checkmated. I assume him to be onto another target by now. He’s just adjusting to losing his chance to suck energy from me due to his own inadequacies and his inability to engage in a real relationship with me.

I actually said yes to him and asked him to show me he could interact with me as a healthy adult male, only for him to fail. His own failure and silence in the real world and his attempts to manipulate me back into the gaslighting is what checkmated him and confirmed for me his apparent impotence and immaturity–tragic, given his age and image to the contrary.

A weak, impotent, little bitch with no game and no balls and no energy–that’s the image he’s left me with his behavior. A failure to perform at the most basic levels.

That’s you, Stalker-Predator. You feed on the misery you churn up with your con games.

He’s reading this right now knowing I’m dead-on when it comes to him.

Ain’t that right, bitch-ass, weak-kneed, house-nigga?