watercolours

Read below with this soundtrack:

yes I still love you

i love you enough to leave you alone while you figure how to be you till you figure out what that means when it comes to me

remember, i didn’t reject you–and i didn’t cut you off.

You did both to me for no reason and no explanation.

You did lots more to me for no reason and no explanation.

Can’t really say I’m the crazy one or the angry one or the untrustworthy one, can you? And that after you told people I was both AFTER you did your dirt to me.

And I still love you. You seem to view that as a weakness or delusion, and I suppose I should expect that from someone who is indifferent to my existence beyond whatever purpose stamped on my forehead in your mind. I am a cog in a wheel according to you, something I would expect of someone who took my emotions and ran through them like a handful of coins at a slot machine in a casino. A quick mental thrill for a middle-aged man somewhere in America who saw me as a momentary mental amusement to calm the nerves, a big tit/big ass chick to help you laugh and get your dick hard–or at least capable of blood flow. A sex doll without telling her she’s playing such a part, a robot without knowledge of her status.

And right now, you STILL could talk to me. Remember, you didn’t set boundaries, and then suddenly you built a lovely wall around yourself and told yourself and other people that I cut you off. Okay, if you say so. I did no such thing.

I tended to myself, and now I keep to myself knowing that even if situations don’t work out, you learn and heal. As you observe, I’m doing exactly that. I forgave you, and now I am moving on and moving forward–and just like that, I’ve started getting nibbles on my love ad. Good signs for me. It means I’m sending out attraction energy that folk sense as potentially worthy of a follow-up. No rush, but I think it is time for me to stop neglecting another part of my emotional and physical health–I need more than my vibrator, especially with me no longer limited by obesity or other health issues. I have a sex drive that needs care and a sex toy won’t substitute for human connection or love. Time to find a match.

I love you, but I’m not a nun or a loyal fan. I’m a human being seeing what’s real and what’s fairyland and stepping up towards healthy paths. To me, your silence says you got what you wanted and I’m a loopy broad who got played by you. If I misread you and you feeling something else, speak up and tell the truth for a change.

At this stage, I see no reason for me to approach you to say anything–your whole setup was designed to produce the result you got with the added benefit of disposing of me conveniently while leaving me emotionally wrecked and drained, which means you intended to drain and dump emotionally from the start and the pandemic made it really easy for you to do that. You probably did this to 4-5 different people at once online or via one of your cell phones.

Nice con game, actually, if you are into that sort of thing.

On the other hand, I am open to talking to you, hearing your perspective, perhaps even forgiving you. But that’s gotta come from you. I don’t approach people who show their ass to me like you did last year with such glee, as if you had never been so eager to jab that knife in my throat. Must be a phallic thing for you.

Anyway.

Let’s see if you still own your own balls. These days I wonder.

Are you absent because she put you on lock-down with that chastity belt with the anal plug again? Having some issues with that Brazilian wax job and your perineum again? Is it hard doing dog walks in DC after a Brazilian wax?

You really do make it too easy to poke at you a bit. I really am giving you a chance to repair the damage with the knowledge that you don’t give a fuck and that you wrote me off the moment you did what you did because you find weak targets like me quite entertaining and satisfying to conquer, consume, and discard. I expect ZERO from you given your track record with me. I’m simply daring you to call my bluff just for the fuck of it: are you really that much of a misogynistic, predatory asshole who is incapable of speaking a truthful sentence, so much so you can’t speak a word to me?

We have plenty of predatory assholes on the planet who talk plenty of shit to me: what’s sttopping you? And iif you are not a predatory asshole, why were you a predatory asshole to me, and how would I know that so-called fact when you don’t talk to me–and you didn’t tell me much when you did talk to me?

can’t say i rejected you, cut you off, didn’t give you a chance–here it is, take it [we know you were full of shit, had no sincere intent but how bout now, nigga]