fixation #30days #30days2018 by Cherie Ann Turpin

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missing evidence

of cock

of dick

of penis

of phallus

our culture rarely actually shows us cock outside pornographic film

or accidental tweets or instagrams

cocks in red fur and gold chains

(Safari really did that, didn’t he)

or else we don’t hear of it beyond bars

tacit reminders of men who may or may not realize

how much they need us to notice they have cock to show us

when they speak bars about other men’s cocks

so much anxiety in the containment of the phallus behind slacks and boxers

so upsetting to heterosexual men to discover

women have their own gaze

or the male gaze is not limited to women’s bodies

so much emotion erupting from a small hidden place

caged in cotton and wool

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codebook

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confusion truly

about heternormative signs and signals

about male heternormative signs and signals

about male middle-class working class upper class heteronormative signs and signals

i think i’ve been missing all the signs and signals

not sure if it’s about me as a bisexual woman

or me as a survivor of rape stalking domestic abuse

or me as a feminist

or me as an intellectual

or me not experiencing black men during my formative years in white suburbia

or all of the above

don’t understand it

the way my heterosexual sisters understand it

the whole mating thing

confusion

my mother says

i don’t make distinction

between a man who chases a woman

and a man who preys on a woman

it’s true i don’t

and here’s why

i think we who identify as women are socialized

to expect to be chased and expect to be prey

to submit to predatory behavior and call it romance

rape culture in respectability terminology

dressed in biblical convention

where no standards are spelled out just assumed

negotiated limits and boundaries unspoken

i’ve tried to conform to respectability of

conventional romance of that nice good woman

and still ended up alone

or wounded like all prey

caught and mauled to pieces

or else even more

confused by the bullshit

by passive aggressive signals and signs

left for me to decipher

strange and confusing allegorical lines fed to me

as if I had a code book to translate

black male respectability talk into plain english

when I really wanted was honesty as to

what the fuck do you want to say to me

or even better why not just risk the vulnerability

and tell me you really are on fire like the ohio players

a dance in the light cast by the bonfire of truth

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Saturn Retrograde #30days #30days2018 by Cherie Ann Turpin

C2DB61C8-83FF-4960-96AD-8952D7435B60

train pulling back

before moving forward

missed tracks recovered

every rock stepped on or skipped

every rip of skin that bled reset

every word spit tasted again

every hurt swallowed vomited

every fluttering pleasure remixed

emotional highlights recaptured

every spell cast completed

karmic backwash floodwaters

every wish amplified and heard

every muted intent now revealed

retrograde Saturn

edgy rough sex of the soul

karmic orgy in public

and none of us are wearing clothes

 

 

 

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untitled by Cherie Ann Turpin

not accustomed to being asked to consider how i feel

much less acknowledged that i exist

my voice muted for so long i forgot it had sound

however meaningful or meaningless the question at that moment

i was moved to answer even as i was not really human at that moment

but a ghost from another reality asked to recount a moment

that was mine to recall or forget as i chose

according to my own sense of worth

as i came back to an understanding that i mattered

even if i really was a little pissed off

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crazy cock

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Meaning of phallic outside of theoretical jargon

phallic phallix phallus cock dick penis

our culture centers on cock

slow dance to entice and bring cock to a rising of sound

tell young women to dress and undress according to phallic moods

never actually see the dick beneath proper pants but

assume it to rule over us

never see the dick or cock or penis erect or soft on screen

unless Googled or Tweeted with a fur coat and gold chains

assume that black dicks are dangerous and

assume that white dicks are safe and

assume man means dick and

assume dick means man and

assume masculine means man and

assume man means dick and

assume all men to be masculine and

assume all men to have dicks and

assume dicks to be alive and pulsing and the veins to be filled with blood and

therefore

assume dicks to be attached to the living and

not the living dead or vampires or zombies because

dead dicks don’t pulsate or shoot sperm, right?

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debt (i owe you) #30days #30days2018 by Cherie Ann Turpin

leonids_meteor_shower_november_2009

Saturn retrograde is a monstrosity of a reminder

to really see the path carved out

to see truth about the self

to see truth about others

to understand what was not said but demonstrated

to remember how hard it is for some to speak

to recall how some speak in riddles in order to tell the truth

to recall how some tell stories of others in order to speak of self

to realize how I have been blessed to speak and write without fear or doubt silencing me

to know that selfishness sometimes blinds me to others’ needs

to realize why it is important to acknowledge and remember

to pay you what I owe you

even far beyond what you gave me without expectation of return.

 

 

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hint

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“We’ve been turned away from our bodies, shamefully taught to ignore them, to strike them with that stupid sexual modesty; we’ve been made victims of the old fool’s game: each one will love the other sex. I’ll give you your body and you’ll give me mine. But who are the men who give women the body that women blindly yield to them? Why so few texts? Because so few women have as yet won back their body. Women must write through their bodies, they must invent the impregnable language that will wreck partitions, classes and rhetorics, regulations and codes, they must submerge, cut through, get beyond the ultimate reverse-discourse, including the one that laughs at the very idea of pronouncing the word ‘silence’, the one that, aiming for the impossible, stops short before the word ‘impossible’ and writes it as ‘the end.'” — Helene Cixous, from Laugh of the Medusa